INT. APARTMENT - EVENING
ALYSSA is On the phone with MOM.
Mom, I'm doing fine. You don't have
to worry about me. No, I haven't
met a boy, and no, I don't have a
real job yet, but I'm not coming
back right now. I'm a college
graduate as of last week, but we
don't need to go through this
exposition right now. No, I'm not
filming this conversation. And it's
not a video diary; it's called a
vlog. Mom, I have to go. Just
remember that I went to college to
escape Ixonia, not to come back and
work at Loppy's.
Girl, your moms be crazy.
If she knew I had a Black roommate
in Riverwest and majored in English
instead of business, she'd be even
What she think when I answer the
phone, that I's your maid and you
livin at the Phister?
No, I said you're from Green Bay
and just watch too much MTV. And
that I still live on the East Side
a block from campus. Trust me, it's
better this way.
Don't you talk about it in that
It's a vlog, and it's not about my
personal life. It's about my
research into the paranormal.
It's the devil! That research be
whack. Ghosts and all that. You
best don't have no Ouija board in
this here apartment. I'd burn that
and evict yo ass.
No, I don't have that game, but I
do have Twister, and that's
probably just as sinful in a
Not ours, baby-girl. You ain't had
one man over here in two years.
There was Robert.
He was a married, returning student
wif two kids. Not that he did, but
if he woulda tried somethin, you
shoulda punched him in the mouth.
He was here to work on a project,
not you. So that don't count.
There was a guy named Ben in a few
of my English classes, but I told
him I had a boyfriend who was
studying abroad in Mexico.
Why on earth did you do that?
He stared at me, a lot, and it was
kind of creepy. I figured if he
liked me enough, he would have
asked me out, even with a boyfriend
They all creepy. The ones that be
starin just imaginin you naked. He
probably thought your boyfriend was
some kinda drug lord. You the one
that's creepy. I guess it be water
under the bridge now, cause it
ain't no stud under your skirt.
Seriously? You're as bad as my mom
in the complete opposite way. I
need to get working on this
You need me out the room so's you
No, I'm deciding on a domain name.
I thought maybe something centered
on Wisconsin, like wisaga.com or
strangewi.com. Then again, if this
gets big, I like
Well, I'd say Fairy Report seems
like something gay folks would
like. And stories of the what what?
That one kinda long, and website
names ain't like men. Epic Folktale
be like that Epic Fail website.
That ain't bad, 'specially since it
gonna fail, and then you gotsta go
back to Podunk, Wisconsin and live
on your farm and milk you some
cows. Jus playin. Epic Folktale be
I can never be sure, but I think
your vote is for epicfolktale.com.
Yeah, I likes it, but you ain't no
Not a problem. Remember that guy
Ben I mentioned. He builds
websites. I just have to grab the
domain name and he'll plug it in.
Ooh, that sound hot! Invite him
over. Tonight! I gots a date and
might not be home, but you will be,
But I thought we were watching
Remington Steele tonight.
I'm not shaking my head at you
because it's sad, but time travel
sex don't exist, and that man is
older than the married man you
brought over here. Ben sounds like
a nice, corn-fed white boy, so give
him a call. And show some cleavage.
Time to shower.
Shaniqualanda exits, leaving Alyssa to consider her present
I guess he's not bad looking. And
he likes movies. More importantly,
he's the only guy I know who knows
how to build a website. I suppose I
should call him. English notebook.
Here he is.
Alyssa dials Ben, who answers on the first ring, hoping
against conventional wisdom that a girl might be calling.
He's in his parents' basement "office" on the computer.
Hello, is this Ben?
Oh, I, yeah.
Hey, this is Alyssa. We had three
English classes together this year.
Alyssa, good to hear from you.
I remember you talking about
knowing how to build websites, and
I've been working on this project.
Yeah, I've seen your video diaries
on Youtube. That's such a cool idea
to research local weird events. And
you have a pretty good list of
Yeah, well the vlog isn't enough to
really get people interested, so
I'm going to need a website, and I
was wondering if you could come
over some time to help set one up.
Just one other thing, I can't
exactly pay anything, at least not
until I start producing films on
the subject matter and it gets
picked up by a network or
Hey, I can wait, and I accept all
forms of payment.
Uh, well, that's good. I'll give
you my address.
Is it on Pierce?
Yeah, but how?
I just looked you up in the student
database. You can do a search by
first name. There are only
twenty-three Alyssa's enrolled.
Only one with the phone number
calling me right now.
That database so should not exist,
but whatever. So, I'll see you,
Twenty minutes have passed. SHANIQUALANDA is not around, but
Alyssa does have her portable pepper spray keychain near the
couch in case Ben wants to get too fresh, like way too
fresh. A knock on the door is heard. Alyssa answers it, but
no one is there. She closes the door, fills a glass of
water, and then hears a scratching sound from the shaded
window. As she's about to open it up, there's another knock
at the door. Grabbing her pepper spray, she heads over.
Who's there? I have a gun.
Alyssa? It's me, Ben. And I do not
have a gun.
Alyssa opens the door and Ben comes in.
Did you see anyone else out there?
This is Riverwest. I saw a few
people on bikes, a homeless-looking
guy, someone selling flowers, and a
white girl with dreads on a
I mean anyone suspicious.
To be honest, a white girl with
dreads is always suspicious to me,
but not really. Wait, I did see a
shadow in the alley right before
you opened the door. Are you
researching Shadow People? Maybe I
No, I just heard a knock on the
door and something by the window
before you showed up. You weren't
messing with me or anything?
You mean like creating a brand-new
mystery right as we begin work on
this one, so that you can be all
concerned with who you can trust?
Nope. Is that your gun?
It's pepper spray, meant for guys
who step out of line. I'm just glad
you're here and I won't have to use
it. I won't, right?
No way. I'm just here to build a
website and go home, but I am
totally digging this mysteries of
the unknown idea.
Well, that exact domain is taken,
and it's really kind of redundant.
I bought epicfolktale.com.
Not bad. I hope you registered it
No, I was hoping this whole website
thing was going to help me get
Most people don't notice who owns
domains, but the real spammers,
scammers, and stalkers certainly
do, especially if she's already
known as a pretty girl from a
Youtube channel who flashes her
underwear while talking about
Flash my underwear? You must have
me mistaken for one of those
vloggers in bikinis who talk about
Didn't you ever wonder why your
third video has twenty times the
hits of your other video?
I thought it was because of the
While the subject matter is
probably decent, the fact that you
are sitting in your bed with a
nightgown on and
nearly-distinguishable underwear is
what makes it an instant classic at
about the 2:37 mark.
How embarrassing! I have to pull
that video right away. I want to be
taken seriously as a journalist.
I really wouldn't. Not if you want
to continue to get hits.
But that's awful to objectify
myself when I've written papers
about how Hollywood and even local
news objectifies women.
It's also awful to have a video on
Youtube about how to replace a hard
drive in an Asus laptop that only
has three hits and a thumbs down.
Intentional or not, object or
subject, you win. Honestly, with
the crowd that's into what you're
selling, I'd stick with an
"accidental" sexy video diary to
promote the project. That is, as
long as your boyfriend in Mexico
approves. And as long as you don't
have your real contact information
on any linked accounts.
Let's say the boyfriend is not a
problem, but the linked account
thing is maybe an issue. I made my
Facebook totally public to try to
promote this, and I think that
includes my email address and maybe
my phone number. I saw an interview
with Deborah Norville once, and she
said she answers all her viewers'
Good for her, but I'd take those
down if you're going to wear
underwear and talk about
werewolves, or even wear a long
skirt and talk about
religion...like right this second.
And your domain name registration?
Make that private.
But as a reporter, I didn't think I
minded having my name associated
with my project.
Every sweat shop web design firm
from Beijing to Calcutta will be
contacting you. And then the
vampires you write about will come
hunting for you, too. Like that one
from West Allis. If he's real, you
might want to make him at least put
some effort into finding you.
But I don't really believe this
stuff. I mean, it's interesting,
but there is not a real vampire
living in West Allis, Wisconsin.
You do realize I'm a skeptic,
We're all skeptics until something
sinister comes knocking at our
So it was you?
It was not me, but eventually, it
will be someone. Your list of
potential stories I saw on Youtube
is pretty extensive. Whether you
believe it or not, someone believes
and might even want to hide
The door begins to make noise. Alyssa is obviously
frightened as she grabs Ben's arm. It's Shaniqualanda.
Thank God, it's just my roommate.
Why you lookin at me like that? I
can be home early. I ain't no slut
till I wanna be. Hey, white boy,
you lookin good. I'm Shania,
Her full name's Shaniqualanda, she
thinks white people are boring, and
she says the supernatural is the
You can put them claws up,
baby-cakes. I ain't no triflin ho.
And I can barely make out what she
says half the time. Sha-ne-ne, this
is Ben; Ben, Sha-ne-ne.
You funsta build her a website for
her little project?
That is the plan. I was just
telling Alyssa to tighten up her
privacy a little so others don't
uncover her domicile.
You was right Lyssa, he be nasty!
Anyhowsa, I gots some stuff to do
over here, in my bedroom, which I
won't exit for the rest of the
I like your roommate. She'd
probably be a good on-air
personality for your videos. By the
way, you probably could invest in a
digital SLR if you want to have a
more professional video appearance.
I have one, and they can produce
video that's really quite close to
Great, you're hired! I mean, if you
want to help me film my interviews
and vlogs and whatnot, I'd love to
use your equipment. Camera. We can
Like Scully and Mulder.
Not sure who that is. I was
thinking like Cronkite and whoever
his cameraman was.
You want to do a project about
mysteries of the unknown, and you
don't know the X-Files?
Oh, it's a TV show, right? This
isn't a TV show about pretending
made up stuff is real. It's an
investigative report about people
who think made up stuff is real.
And a vlog and a website. This is
real, and I'm going to show none of
it is real. Except this, and us.
So, I guess I should get to work on
the website. What are the
Oh, the clicky things on top.
Ghosts, Animals, UFOs, Mysteries,
Crime, and, maybe that's it for
Why not. Will the West Allis
vampire be offended by being in
that category? Actually, let's skip
animals and just do monsters. Oh,
and Forgotten History. I found some
cool stories from Milwaukee's past
while doing some research, even
though they don't fit the other
Got it. I'll set it up as a blog
for each category with tags. It'll
work real nice, and it can be
expanded to other locales, too,
just in case you want to travel to
the Pacific Northwest to debunk
Big Foot. Or to Roswell.
I should really clear something up:
my goal is to investigate, not to
judge. The audience can judge.
You know, we should get some
professionals to help us with some
of the filming stuff. I'm a member
of a filmmakers group, and we have
a meeting this Thursday. Let's
pitch the idea to them and see if
they want in.
Will they work free?
Maybe for experience and credits on
our TV series.
INT. BAR - EVENING
Ben and Alyssa are sitting at a table with several members
of the filmmakers group. MORGAN is the facilitator. KENNETH
is an encyclopedia of film knowledge. RAJIT is a former
teacher who wants to make it as a writer. STU is a burnout
rocker who wants to make a documentary about himself. HANK
is Stu's semi-conscious friend.
I see we have some new faces here
tonight. I know Kenneth, Rajit, and
Ben. Could the rest of you tell us
a little about yourselves?
My name's Alyssa and I'm a recent
graduate of UWM. Right now, I'm
working with Ben on a project.
We're going to investigate local
mysteries, like ghost stories and
monsters, and create a TV series
about it. We're hoping someone here
could help out.
Hey, I'm Stu and this here is Hank.
I want to make a documentary about
rock n roll. I have all these
ideas, you know? It's going to be
great. I was part of a band about
twenty years ago, and we almost
made it big.
Hank, what about you?
I'm here because of Stu. I don't
really have nothin to say.
OK, then let's just do some
writing, and after a while, we can
talk more about your projects.
What are we supposed to write
Well, since you have an idea for a
documentary, how about you write
some ideas for interviews or
I'm a get another drink.
Hank leaves, nearly falling as he goes.
I can try writing, but Hank's
really the one with writing and
filming skills. I'm just the
subject of the movie.
Remember, you can write about
anything. It just helps to get the
creativity going. I'll set the
timer for 30 minutes.
Camera pans as the writers begin writing. Stu is drawing.
Hank returns. TERREL shows up as the others are starting to
get settled into writing.
Is this the film group thing?
Yes. And you are?
I'm Terrel. I wrote a horror movie
and I just don't know how to get it
Nice to meet you. Right now, we're
writing for the next half-hour, and
then we'll talk about your project
What am I supposed to write about?
Maybe you could revise your movie
or work on a query letter.
I don't know what a query letter
is. I just want someone to make my
No offense, but most people in
Hollywood are queers, man. Queers!
We are open to all people in our
Yeah, I am, too. What are we doing?
There's too much fruitiness in this
I don't know what to write. I want
to talk about my movie. Can't we
just do that?
Just twenty more minutes, guys.
Fifteen minutes have passed.
Are you ready, Stu?
Yeah, we gotta go. We have this
party to go to. Nice meeting all of
The group says goodbye. Hank and Stu leave with Stu having
to help Hank as he walks.
I still don't have anything to
write. This sucks.
OK, I guess that's close enough.
Terrel, would you like to tell us
about your project?
Yeah, I wrote this horror movie and
I want to get it made.
What is it about?
It's about this guy who kills
So it is a slasher movie?
What's the killer's motivation?
He wants to kill people.
Can you tell us about one of the
Well, there's one scene where
there's this girl babysitting, and
he breaks in and kills her.
So, perhaps he kills babysitters
because he was mistreated by his
No, it's because he walked by the
house with his knife he uses to
kill people, so he broke in to kill
whoever was there. The movie is
good. I just need to know how to
get people to read it.
Do you have a copy of it with you?
I have it on my computer, but I'm
not sure about letting everyone
read it. I just want someone to
make it in Hollywood.
Rajit, you've submitted work to
Well, I joined a website that
allows you to submit query letters
to production companies who send
form letters back saying they are
Would you recommend Terrel try
It is a start, but you may want to
think about something that will
make your film unique, like the way
in which the killings are done or
the background of the characters
He uses a knife and stabs people. I
just want them to make the movie;
they make all kinds of horror
movies. I don't know how to write a
Samples do exist online. You can
start there. Then try sending them
Ben and Alyssa, why don't you tell
us a little about your project?
Well, Alyssa is the brains behind
it all. I am the web guy and
I gotta go.
Terrel leaves abruptly. ROBBY comes up as Terrel is leaving.
Hey, is this the Drunk Writers
No, they're over at that table.
Robby heads over to the table with good-looking people.
So, this project is about mysteries
Yeah, you know, like that crazy
lady with all the sculptures on
Lake Michigan whose husband and kid
died on the lake or the Beast of
Bray Road. Those kinds of stories.
Is this meant for PBS?
No, it's like Unsolved Mysteries or
Sightings. A program about local
mysteries, but not some pretentious
I kind of wanted it to be more like
The X-Files. And I like PBS.
Well, if it's not a PBS show, then
you might want to tell it in a
heavily serialized manner. Those
are big right now.
And you should really have an
all-female production crew.
But I was kind of the production
No, I like it. Maybe there's an
underlying story of some sort to
drive the plot. And an all-female
crew would really help the image of
women as filmmakers. Don't worry,
Ben, we'll still let you be part of
I would suggest, if youâ||re
serious about making this locally
as a series, that you watch the
pilot episode of It's Always Sunny
in Philadelphia. Everything you
need to know about creating a
series is in that pilot.
But that's a comedy. I think this
is supposed to be a news program or
thriller. I mean, there's nothing
that funny about monsters.
Actually, one of the funniest shows
I have seen was Phil and Arthur's
Loch Ness mockumentary. They are
comedians who investigated the Loch
But Alyssa and I aren't funny.
Maybe it was Arthur and Phil. It
was British. Or you could get
reenactments of the events that ARE
funny because they are done by the
actual people. Perhaps asking an
old lady who claims to have seen a
UFO to act it out. That is funny.
Iâ||m trying to imagine what a
studio executive would think of
your project, whether it's news or
mock news or a local version of the
X-Files. It's all been done before,
like Terrel's slasher film, so what
would make your project unique?
It's probably ALL been done before,
but if this project has a real
chance, it needs to look and sound
professional. You'll need good
cameras, lighting, and sound.
Probably money, too, like maybe
Or a clueless, wealthy uncle like
that Mark Borchert individual from
what I believe was called An
American Movie. Except he was more
famous for being the subject of a
documentary about being a failure
at making his movie, so that is
also a possibility.
Raj, you're suggesting we make a
documentary film about our attempt
to make a local television show?
Thatâ||s could be a lot of cameras
Who are your characters or
personalities? For example, if
you're looking at Unsolved
Mysteries, Robert Stack was as
important to that series as the
stories. Of course, with The
X-Files, you have the skeptic and
the believer, and the sexual
tension not present in a news
Ah, you have not seen the lady on
the CBS 58 nightly news? My
goodness, she is like a beautiful
swan with gigantic boobies!
But I want to be a legitimate
And she does have a legitimate
video diary talking about ghosts in
her underwear that has a ton of
Let me understand this: a ghost was
wearing Alyssa's underwear?
Ah, the simple joys of misplaced
modifiers. No, she was in her own
underwear partially covered by a
short, Three's Company nightgown
while talking about ghosts. I'm not
sure what the ghosts were wearing.
I have to admit, it is an
interesting marketing technique.
Thatâ||s what I told her when she
wanted to delete the video. It's
gone semi-viral. And I started work
on the website, which can be linked
from the video to promote the show.
Wait a second here. We went from
agreeing to an all-female film crew
to sexualizing the main character
in two minutes.
That is approximately how long a
man can watch a television show or
hang out in a bar before thinking
of sex, I believe.
Considering the target audience for
shows about monsters, UFOs, and
ghosts, I believe a little
"unintentional" sexualization of
the main character is probably
warranted. If it was so awful,
Youtube would have deleted it.
To put this into perspective, let
us use this group. If Morgan tells
us she has a new video animation
about the lack of female artists in
Hollywood (and even sends the
link), maybe one of us men will
click and watch. However, all three
of us will be going home to
immediately search for Alyssa's
video. And I have to awaken at five
for work in the morning.
Guys, I am sitting right here,
fully-clothed, yet very
Yeah, sorry, Alyssa. We need to
talk about format. Alyssa was
thinking actor portrayals and
interviews. Do we have access to
free local actors who would want to
work for experience?
I have a friend who knows of actors
looking for this kind of thing, so
we can probably arrange it, as long
as they're not all reenacting ghost
and UFO sightings in their bikinis.
Are there really enough local
legends to make a lot of episodes?
Oh, that's not a problem. My
initial list was long enough for a
season, and I figure the website
and social media channels will
collect other ideas from people who
find us and want to participate.
There are a lot of interesting
people who get pretty excited about
the unknown, including Ben.
Have you ever seen Twin Peaks? I
believe that if you take the
success and reverse engineer it,
you could have the same success
with this project.
But Twin Peaks was pretty weird.
Well, what if the main character in
this series has similar,
You mean I could imagine the
stories in dreams or something?
Perhaps. The idea would be to
create a sensation beyond the
typical storytelling of a
Like Alyssa in her nightgown.
No, like Alyssa in her nightgown
with midgets and monsters. But the
audience has to figure out what the
other elements mean.
And whether or not they're real.
And filmed by an all-female crew,
with a female lead.
So this is happening?
- Written by Brian
- Category: Scripts and Stories
- Hits: 610
INT. APARTMENT - EVENING