Philadelphia Store: The Musical
by Brian Jaeger
Characters:
THE DOCK
BRIAN - M early 20s and in college as English major
DANNI- F/M mid 30s married with two kids; former manager (Danny)
AMANDA - F 17 year-old LDS high school senior; uses big words
MIKE - M early to mid-20s, Lutheran
BRAD - M high school sophomore; mom is manager; has money
WOODY - M 40 years old and awkward
DON - M 60+ ; he’s either lazy or old or both
THE RUSSIAN LADIES 30s to 40s; lots of jewelry; no English
ON THE FLOOR
ANYA - F mid 20s; Ukranian; married but looking good (and looking)
JULIA - F 20 career retail store employee; cheerleader type
KRISTIE - F high school; very attractive
MANAGEMENT
ANDRÉA - F mid 20s; rich girl; daughter of Mr. Corp
DEBBIE - F/M high-octane dock manager; looks older than she is (Dobie)
OLD DENISE - F/M pretty much the same as Young Denise but older (Dennis)
YOUNG DENISE - F/M pretty much the same (Dennis)
ROBERTO - M 50 swarthy store manager
GEORGE CORP - M Owns MegaCorp
PRYCE - M early 30s and a rising star at MegaCorp
SECURITY
STACY - F/M mid 20s
JAVIER - M mid 20s; big muscles
PETE - exists, but not actually in person except for song
OTHER
LOVER 1 opposite or same as Lover 2 (tall/short/heavy, etc)
LOVER 2
TEEN SHOPLIFTER - F teen, probably from Menomonee Falls
Philadelphia Store: The Musical
INT. DOCK OF DEPARTMENT STORE: DAY
Scene opens on the dock of a department store. The back end of a semi trailer is being unloaded, with the items going onto rollers. Boxes are being stacked in various places around the room. Lots of clothes on hangers are stored on rolling racks.
Two men finish unloading the truck and lock the back door. They leave and a new slowly appears as music plays for first song. The crew members begin their work of pulling the plastic wrapping off clothes.
The Philly Store
Goin to the mall to the Philly Store
Buyin lots of clothes but we still want more
Checkin out the girls; checkin out the guys
Checkin out their stories cause they’re all telling lies
Girls
We work on the floor and we’ve got style
Best bang for the buck, mile for mile
The clothing is cute and so are we
The fashions are hot but they’re not free
We straighten forever—girls are a mess
Hey, wait, did you see that one dress?
Oh my God, it’d look so cute on you
Like, I totally need to own it, too!
Goin to the mall to the Philly Store
Did you see that one girl today and what she wore?
Checkin out the girls; checkin out the guys
Checkin out this sale, Hello! some really awesome buys
[We work in jewelry, the non-fine kind
Purses and hats and the hosiery you'll find
We're not sure why we don't have underwear
But the intimates section is over there
And fine jewelry gets its own section too
It’s better than ours and making us blue
But not as bad as those dirt dockers
Who just stand around and look at our knockers
Goin to the mall to the Philly Store]
dock crew
We work the dock and always keep it real
We may not have any sex appeal
But we have a lot of fun and only work a little
When anything goes on, we’re right in the middle
Unload the truck, then unload the boxes
Nothing can happen here unless the dock says
We haul garbage and hangers, employ preppies and bangers
We make the store run right every day and through the night
Goin to the mall to the Philly Store
Doin what we can to seem a bit less poor
Checkin out the girls; checkin out the guys
Checkin out the dumpster cause there are way too many flies
DANNI is roughly 35 years old, two kids at home and a great husband. BRIAN is in his early twenties, with no girlfriend and no real prospects, and a lot of high school ‘buddies’ who all have their own lives now. AMANDA is a high school senior who is prettier than she thinks she is. She is also a bit ignorant as to the ways of guys. Plus, she’s Mormon and seems to want to save someone.
DANNI
Hey, Brian; Amanda. Welcome to another day at The Philadelphia Store. I’ve been here for an hour helping with the truck, but guess who’s also here tonight, B.
BRIAN
Me, you, Amanda, Don, Woody.
DANNI
No, I mean on the sales floor. I’ll give you a hint: you might like her.
BRIAN
(with attitude)
Ooh, a game! I dunno, that tall super-model girl from Juniors?
DANNI
Not her… And this girl specifically asked about you.
BRIAN
Sounds serious. Maybe I should book a hall for the wedding.
DANNI
You know I’m looking out for you—I told her I was working with you tonight, and she asked, “Really?”
AMANDA
And that counts as an intromission [interrogation]? When I ask about a guy, I just go and ask. Was it that Julia girl Brian’s always perining [pining] for?
DANNI
It wasn’t Julia.
BRIAN
And I don’t pine for her. I just really, really wish she’d notice me.
DANNI
Julia’s only out of your league because you believe she is.
BRIAN begins to guess every name of the girls he likes at the store. DANNI shakes her head for each one, possibly adding comments like, “She’s cute,” or “Oh yeah…”
BRIAN
Fine, it wasn’t Julia. Was it Ashley? Anastasia? Janelle? Jennifer? Karen? Kari? Who, then?
DANNI
Wait for it... Heather up in Housewares!
AMANDA
Aw, she seems nice enough.
BRIAN
Heavy Heather from Housewares!? Maybe I’ve had a string of bad luck with the ladies, Danni, but I don’t think I need your help with Heather.
AMANDA
I’ve heard you’ve never had a girlfriend. That must be so frustrating for you. Maybe Heather would be a good start, unless you’re interested in someone on the dock with us or in high school or something.
DANNI
Yeah, if you’re not careful, you’ll end up like Woody! I’ve worked here a long time, and I really enjoy finding matches for those I work with.
AMANDA
Why, Danni?
DANNI
Back when I was young, I had a lot of fun going out on dates with fellow employees. Now, I work here with Brian and Mike, who are too afraid to ask anyone out. I mean, they already don’t have them, so why not ask them out?
BRIAN
But if they shoot me down, I don’t have them and I get all embarrassed, and they probably tell all their friends.
Enter Woody, a short, round jovial fellow with absolutely no work ethic. He is itching his rear and looking at his walkie-talkie, and talks in Wolfman-Jack-like raspy voice.
WOODY
Danni! Erd! Erd-man! Danni Erd! Brian! Guys! What’s up? And, oh, Amanda. Mandy. Manda. Mandolina.
BRIAN and DANNI
(mimicking voice)
Woody!
DANNI
Hey, Woody, what do you think of Heather in housewares?
WOODY
(giggling)
Yeah…
DANNI
Not too bad, eh?
WOODY
(refreshed)
Aaaah! Heavenly Heather from Housewares! Why do you ask?
BRIAN
That’s one big slice of heaven!
WOODY
So it is! I was actually talking to her the other day. About my new television.
DANNI
Your parents’ new television.
WOODY
Right, our new television. And she was interested.
BRIAN
Maybe she likes you, Woody.
WOODY
Ya think? Because the girls used to when I started here twenty years ago. They used to sneak back here just to see me. I shoulda grabbed one and never let go.
The bell rings for the back door delivery. Woody stands there, thinking about his past for a few more seconds.
WOODY
Because it hasn’t always been like this.
BRIAN
The door, Woody! This isn't the beginning of some flashback scene.
WOODY
I’m going, I’m going. But I’m telling ya, it was better, once.
Woody leaves through the back hall to answer the door.
BRIAN
Man, if he’d grab one and not let go now, they’d hafta call the cops AND the paramedics.
DANNI
And the Animal Shelter. The point is, I’ve been here almost as long as Woody, and no girl has ever spoken to him willingly.
BRIAN
Not even Heavy Heather?
DANNI
Not even close!
BRIAN
But he said…
DANNI
He also claims he should be the store manager.
BRIAN
Yeah, I don’t see him as management material. Besides, Roberto hires all the best-looking girls as it is.
DANNI
That’s why they call this the Philly Store. Roberto likes eye-candy as much as the next guy.
AMANDA
But isn’t he married? That’s gross; he’s like 40!
DANNI
Yes, he’s married and more like 50, but are you going to question his right to hire pretty young women and look at them? Someday, when Brian’s a famous writer, maybe he’ll want to hire a no-talent secretary who just looks pretty.
BRIAN
That’s guaranteed. But can’t Roberto get fired for doing it? You know, like harassment laws?
DANNI
To Roberto, her-ass is two words. Besides, who’s going to fire him? Get used to it, college-boy: this is retail.
AMANDA
Too bad someone like Roberto has a wife and has to hire pretty girls to fill a void, while Woody has no one, and can’t hire anyone to do that for him.
DANNI
We’ve tried with Woody. We’ve taken him out with us, and even set up a couple blind dates. I looked into a mail-order bride from the Philippines or the Ukraine, but that’s a little rich for us.
AMANDA
That is sad and everything, but maybe Woody doesn’t know what he’s missing. You know what they say: “Ignorance is bliss when it comes to your first kiss, and you should wait until you find your true mate.”
BRIAN
(cynically)
Who would say that?
DANNI
And the saying may be true, but we tried to change all that for Woody one time when Short Fred picked up a lady for him at a bar, only it turned out she was more than a lady.
AMANDA is confused by the allusion. DANNI may gesture in front of her pants with her hands. BRIAN gets it.
BRIAN
Oh, well, Woody should’ve kissed ‘em, anyhow. I suppose if this was Woody’s tragedy, he would have some sort of tragic flaw: poverty or lack of drive, perhaps.
DANNI
No, I think it’s the fact that he lives in his parents’ basement and he’s over forty, working in a store with mostly college girls who have hopes beyond this place.
BRIAN
Jeez, that is some tragic flaw! Maybe internet-order brides are cheaper than mail-order ones.
Music begins to play.
BRIAN
If this was some sort of musical, we'd sing a song about Woody right now, but musicals are so fake. Where's that music coming from?
Woody is near the back door, possibly overhearing a bit of the conversation, and singing along in his song:
Forty Years Old and Never Been Kissed
DANNI
I’m sure you’re wondering why
He’s really not so bad a guy
But every chance he’s had he’s missed
Forty years old and never been kissed (repeat)
WOODY
I may be kind of short
And a “different” sort
I may have a funny voice
But that’s not by choice
I may avoid work like the plague
But I want more than some old hag
DANNI
Because every chance he’s had he’s missed
Forty years old and never been kissed
WOODY
It started with Judy in second grade
She was a cutie; I had it made
But when I grabbed her at recess
She left-jabbed me in the chest
And told my teacher I was mean
Who told the preacher I was obscene
Who told my mother I was lost
Who did smother me and accost
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