Amid claims that circumcision cuts risk of contracting H.I.V. by half, a new clinical test conducted by members of Teens Love Christ has concluded that fear and abstinence would result in 100% eradication of the disease. The group of young people dedicated to saving themselves for marriage, and therefore being saved through Christ, has published the results of its 10-year study of its members. None of its members had contracted H.I.V.  in that span, and the evidence seems to indicate that fear can rid the world of the disease once thought to be incurable.

The group notes that its members do have healthy non-sexual relationships with people of the opposite sex, often going to CCM concerts or to a ballgame. They are able to develop wonderful friendships and avoid the temptation of indecent contact through prayer and lectures from their parents. Teens are encouraged to find a suitable spouse and make a promise that they will both wait until marriage to engage in any coitus, heavy petting, light petting, or sideways glances. The group maintains that abstinence (and not absence) makes the heart grow fonder.

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Nearly News: Satire Stories Seeking Significance 2006-2014