In a surprise declaration, the State Department has added its own government to its list of top human rights violators after the release of documents proving the use of enhanced interrogation techniques against captured suspected members of Al-Qaeda. A State Department spokesman said, “The United States government has proven once again that it ignores all international laws and standards, as well as the Constitution, in its own interest, both here and abroad." 


President Bush has maintained that the fact that the country was at war and that the interrogations took place overseas trumps any international jurisdiction over the torture techniques. However, the State Department argues that most countries only usurp the rights of their own citizens, while America has been clear that it wants to usurp the rights of all citizens, including its own.


The State Department also points to the loss of American rights over the past several years. “Citizens in America do not enjoy the rights they once had,” a department press release concludes. “American citizens have lost more rights over the years than citizens from Syria ever had, which makes our government’s crimes against human rights that much worse.” The State Department points to the Patriot Act as the most visible piece of legislation taking away American rights, but also notes unauthorized wiretaps, wholesale monitoring of the internet (yes, they know you’re reading this article), and the sneaky implementation of the national ID cards. The State Department also cited military access to high school records, as well as extended government access to medical records.

 “Think about it,” said on State Department official, “the US government has more information either on file or at their fingertips about each and every one of us than the Burmese government could possibly compile about one insurgent. When a person in Zimbabwe wants to add a corrugated tin addition to his hut, do you think he gets a permit and an inspector, or that his DIY internet plans are monitored?”

While China was recently left off the list because it has too many citizens and not enough pirated software to monitor them with, the United States has begun the process of keeping tabs on all its citizens. “This is a land where men used to be able to keep a secret wife and family in another state if he really wanted to, but now that’s pretty much impossible.”

 Here is the current list of the State Department’s human rights violators: North Korea, Burma, Iran, Syria, Zimbabwe, Cuba, Belarus, Uzbekistan, The United States, and Sudan.Nearly News: Satire Stories Seeking Significance 2006-2014