The Cobeus tribe of South America, living deep in the Amazon and feeding occasionally on their enemies, have issued a press release that they are not interesting in devouring baseball great Barry Bonds. This may seem shocking because Bonds has a lot of muscle, which is more nutritious that fat. However, the Cobeus people do not want their meals tainted with steroids and avoid human flesh that has been tainted in any way. In a Real Wisconsin News exclusive, we have discovered that the tribe keeps a bulletin board with photos of people who are allowed safe passage through their domain. Keith Richards and Lindsay Lohan are amongst the celebrities posted. While the mammary is said to be the best meat available on a human, Lohan’s recent transgressions have made her off-limits, just like Bonds.

Through a translator, one tribal elder said, “While Lohan’s presumably natural breasts could feed us for a week, we have to consider the future of our children. This is also why Barry Bonds is no good to us. All of that muscle is a result of testicle-shrinking steroids, and large testicles are a status symbol amongst our people.”

Some Real Wisconsin News readers may be surprised to read that cannibals do in fact exist, and that they seem to know a lot about popular culture. The truth is that the Cobeus use money from the sale of their Amazon land as grazing for fast food cattle to buy satellite TV and watch baseball and other American fare. Apparently, CSI is a hit in many villages, and people clang metal utensils together to announce its broadcast start-times so people can gather in the village square.

Technically, cannibalism is illegal in South America, just like in the United States, but law enforcement officials have had little success in venturing deep into the Amazon jungle and emerging with any evidence or their own skin, so they tend to ignore the practice, similar to how Major League Baseball ignored the steroid use of Barry Bonds and many other marquee players.

This Real Wisconsin News correspondent almost found out first-hand what it is like to be roasted and eaten, for the Cobeus people generally shoot arrows and roast strangers first, and sometimes ask questions later. However, the mention of Milwaukee during the stressful introductions drew excited looks from tribal members, and when a child held up a blond-haired doll and someone said “Dahmer,” I knew I was safe.

Apparently, the Cobeus tribe is known as one of the only cannibal groups to attack others in order to procure food, while other cannibals generally eat the elderly or have some sort of religious theme to their desire to feast on other people. However, with the lack of both other tribes to fight and fervor of missionaries in the region since the Spaniards departed, the tribe has resorted to eating monkeys and the occasional sloth. They’ve even resorted to killing a few of the cattle grazing on the land they’ve sold, but they claim to prefer primates. Technically, sloths aren’t primates, but no news reporter in his right mind is going to argue that one amongst man-eaters, similar to how no reporters discussed steroids when Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa battled for the Roger Maris season homerun crown.

All-in-all, the Cobeus people still live a simple life, not worried about the discovery of two new monkeys in their region, and not worried about whether or not Barry Bonds ever surpasses Hank Aaron as homerun king. They’re happy with their tobacco pouches, primitive tattoos, and the smell of human flesh roasting in their fire pit. Maybe we can all learn a little something from a group of individuals like this. For example, did you know that we taste a lot like fully-developed veal? Really, it’s a mild and good meat, and quite tender. Very much like veal in color, texture, and smell. Or so they told me.



Nearly News: Satire Stories Seeking Significance 2006-2014