While some fans are disappointed with the finish to the [insert year here] Milwaukee Brewers season, team members believe they have the Chicago Cubs right where they want them. Instead of the Brewers going on to lose in the first round of the playoffs, players will be able to sit at home with their families and watch the Cubs lose in the first round.

“Honestly,” said commentator Bob Costas, “this whole scenario is what baseball lore is made of. A team, desperate to catch the front runner and seemingly ready to fall apart in the blistering summer swelter, makes a furious onslaught to the front, staving off the upstart Brewers on one final weekend of blissful elegance that is baseball, their rivalry coming down to prayers to the gods and the sweat-glistened, dirt-stained abilities of their opponents’ fortitude, as they play the perfect game, not as individuals, but as teams, wearing each others’ hearts on their emblem-embroidered chests, playing as men.”

 

Said Brewers manager, the always articulate Ned Yost: “Those %^$# won’t win another @%$#%^ game! #%&&#!”  The Brewers are predicting that the curse of the goat will get to the Cubs in the playoffs, and they are all planning to have an excellent fall vacation watching their arch-rival’s demise. “It would be nice to win the rookie of the year and for Prince to win the MVP, but what’s really important is that the Cubs lose in the playoffs,” said Ryan Braun. Chris Capuano, who pitched in 22 straight Brewers losses, said, “It’ll make my season worthwhile if the Cubs lose in the playoffs. The recognition I’ve received for the team losing 22 straight when I pitch is nice, but what’s important now is that the Cubs don’t win the World Series.” Ben Sheets agreed, saying that his injuries will likely heal more quickly if the Cubs have an early exit from the playoffs. Bill Hall believed that spending next year as the highest-paid minor leaguer would be worth the ribbing if only the Cubs lose.

 

The Brewers have not said if they plan on making any big off-season acquisitions, but word is that they believe that they only need to play .500 baseball or a little below to win the division next year. “We play in the worst division in the league, top to bottom,” said general manager Doug Melvin. “We believe the rest of the teams in the division will not improve much, so we’ll be happy to play .500 again.” When asked how the Brewers plan on improving on the fourth worst (AL and NL) road record, Melvin said that the team will fill and seal jars containing Miller Valley air, and then open them while on the road. When asked if this was a bit unorthodox, Melvin said, “The dog fights we took them to in Atlanta last week didn’t work, and the multiple Coors Brewery tours in Colorado in August was a disaster. I think this Milwaukee air thing is legit. Anyhow, it won’t be any worse than when we rounded up all those Polish girls for the team in Pittsburgh during the first week in July. What’s important right now, however, is that the Cubs lose.”

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Nearly News: Satire Stories Seeking Significance 2006-2014

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