Parents today are faced with a choice—allow your kids to figure things out for themselves, or control their every move. If parents allow kids to be on their own, this freedom will result in pregnancy, drug addiction, and jail time. While some parents are comfortable with allowing their children to become hoodlums, most of us want to be in complete control of our children’s lives, and here’s your guide to taking action.

Lock Them Up! The first and most important step in controlling kids is to simply lock them up. While this may seem a bit drastic, thousands of years of practice has indicated that it does indeed work. You just need to find a room with a strong lock (or install one) and no windows. Attics, closets, or basements work well for this purpose. Some parents may add a dog kennel or a leash/chain for added peace of mind, but a hefty door lock and a keen sense of hearing should suffice. If any windows do exist in your child’s room, simply nail them shut, as most troubled children lack the ability or motivation to use simple tools to escape. Some parents may add motion or touch sensors, or even video surveillance, but a well-locked room is much more cost effective and less detrimental to the resale value of your home.

Many children who are locked up are home-schooled or attend “virtual school,” but a surprising number are sent to their local public schools. If you intend on sending your child to school, you will need to be even more careful. Nosy counselors may want to know why your daughter smells bad or why she draws pictures of her mommy and daddy burning in hellfire. While this is none of their business, the best method of avoiding unnecessary interference from government agencies is to simply ask the employees for their advice. While this may sound counterintuitive, most social service workers feel so worthless that they appreciate anyone who seems to actually want their help and will instantly trust you if you ask for it.


When your child has to leave the house, make very specific arrangements and do not allow any deviation from the plan. The first place teens head when they say they’re getting a ride home from a friend is some sort of sex orgy, so never allow anyone else to drive your child anywhere. Encourage your child to carry a cell phone. Of course, be sure to purchase a cell phone with GPS tracking. You will be able to monitor his or her exact location at all times, and remember that your bill will tell you exactly who the little cretin is calling. Most of all, allow your children to feel as if you are being very generous by allowing them to have a social life.


Children will take ANY opportunity, however, to sully your good name and get themselves thrown into a juvenile detention facility, so you need to be able to control your child even while at school, or anywhere else you cannot be. While the classic (and effective) chastity belt is no longer a viable option because of our metal detector culture, a good parent can still combat temptation at its very center. Young men can be dressed in “tighty whitey” underwear, preferably with “skid marks.” Young ladies should be provided with “granny panties”—the larger, the better. Using laundry markers to write your child’s name on the undergarments will also act as a deterrent. Most importantly, your teen should not have access to any shaving devices or personal hygiene products.


If your child still gives you trouble, even with the careful implementation of the steps mentioned here, before you disown her forever, try the time-tested method of using a eunuch to watch over her. While eunuchs have basically disappeared over the last two centuries, the investment in finding one can be worthwhile for a concerned parent. Disclaimer: Be sure to test your eunuch a few times before trusting him completely.


Most of all, fear everything and everyone. There are so many ways for a young person to be corrupted that a caring parent needs to remain vigilant all day, every day. Your child will thank you later, and you will thank yourself nightly as you fall asleep to the sweet sounds of fingernails scratching at the door down the hall, knowing your child is safe.