Normally, fans at home hate it when television broadcasts of sports focus on elements of the game that are irrelevant, like the wife of the coach or little kids with stupid signs. However, in the last two Cubs games, TBS was irresponsible in their decision to refrain from showing the crowd (until after most viewers tuned out) as the Cubs choked once again.

Cubs fans are the most annoying in the country, besides Boston fans, and everyone around the country wants to see them suffer. Unfortunately, we are unable to see Boston fans suffer because they won in basketball, baseball, and football recently, though the Super Bowl collapse was magnificent. Anyway, Cubs fans are pretty much as ridiculous as Boston fans. They love their team when they have no reason and they blame everyone else when their team loses.

Cubs fans show up to be seen, so why not show them between each pitch when the Cubs are losing? In a city with so much anonymity, Cubs fans relish the chance to stand and cheer for their perennial losers because some boys at the office might see them at the park. Fans sit in their cars during Chicago traffic jams, contemplating ways they will give each other high-fives in the stands or wear clever t-shirts to be discussed by the television analysts. Unfortunately for the rest of us, Cubs fans tend to be too large, old, smelly, and lacking in class, like the city they live next to in their suburban neighborhoods.

Cubs fans are all like Harry Caray. Some of them might be senile, but most of them are just simple people who enjoy beer and shiny helmets. Many of them also like watching talented people fall apart when it matters most, probably because they’re all second-fiddle at some important Chicago-based multi-national company. When asked if Chicago fans are in fact like him, Harry Caray said, “Haaay! Where’s Ryno and Howard ‘Ho Jo’ Johnson and Sammy. I like the pretty putter-puff clouds in the sky and, whoa, look at her in the stands! It’s Mildred Anderson’s 95th birthday today. Holy Cow!”

And, of course, as I write this article, the Dodgers score again in the 8th inning, and TBS finally decides to show just about every fan in the stands. Apparently, they got my angry phone call—I’d much rather see suffering Chicago Cubs fans than “Frank TV” ads. Edmonds just dropped a ball in center because he had to pick up his Geritol on his way to catching it. Speaking of defense, the Cubs demonstrated their lack of ability there as well, with Derek Lee making Prince Fielder look like a gold glover, and that’s really hard to do. All four infielders made errors in the game, which should make Ricky Weeks feel better about his sorry self.

OK, OK, late in the game, TBS began showing just about every fan who looked like his daughter just got knocked up by a hockey player. Then they showed Ron Santo’s old fat ass doing the radio broadcast, assuming he actually wants a Cubs team to do what his couldn’t.

As for the Curse of the Billy Goat: We all saw with the Boston Red Stockings, curses can eventually be broken, and once Lou Piniella shows genuine affection for a goat by at least calling one afterwards, the only curses left at Wrigley will be the Curse of the Lights (1988) and the Curse of the Gum, enacted by an angry dentist in 1996, as well as the Curse of the Idiot Fans and the Curse of the Take me Out to the Ballgame Retardedness, which will continue indefinitely.

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