After the most recent Nielsen Ratings placed The CW Network below all other major networks, as well as Univision (Spanish-speaking), the network has decided to take a new direction in programming, targeting Americans with below-average IQs.

“Currently, we target the 18-34 year-old audience,” said Les Moonves, President and CEO of CBS, which co-owns The CW with Warner Brothers. “We acknowledge our weakness in that market, and would like a add programming that will also bring in the 10% of our population with an IQ of 80 or below.” Moonves maintains that many of the shows will not have to change much, since a number of the viewers are pre-teens, whose adult-IQ-equivalent would fall somewhere in the 80 range, including “Friday Night Smackdown.”

“People don’t reach their adult IQ until around 16, sometimes later, and the IQ can continue to increase into one’s twenties,” said Dr. Al Binet, an IQ expert hired by The CW. “The goal of the network,” he added, “is to appeal to young people and those young in mind.”

The numbers are staggering with what The CW could accomplish if this new targeting works: approximately 25 million Americans operate with an 80 IQ or below, and another 20 million are children in the appropriate age-range to enjoy such shows as “America’s Next Top Model” or “Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll.” While people with IQs below 80 normally cannot function very well in society or hold jobs needing any skills, they can and do watch television, as is evidenced by the continued success of “The Bachelor” and “Samantha Who?” on ABC.

“While around 13% of the population is Hispanic, many of them don’t even watch Univision,” said Moonves. “However, people who speak any language and have a low enough IQ can enjoy ‘Farmer Wants a Wife.’” He also touted "Aliens in America" as a show targeting people from all walks of life, and aliens. While Univision averaged 3.61 million viewers, or close to a million more than The CW, the network is confident that it may overtake Fox (6.58 million) by next year, and then set its sights on NBC and eventually ABC at 11.5 million. At The CW, they’re calling the new marketing campaign Whoomp! There It Is, named after the song by musical geniuses Tag Team that sold over 4 million copies. The network is in talks with the creators of “Jackass” to create a new show, as well as plans to resurrect such hits as “Roseanne” and “BJ and the Bear.” Many of the upcoming shows will depict people fighting for their rights against a society that ostracizes them as know-nothing teens, know-nothing criminals, or know-nothing welfare recipients. This is due to statistics that indicate the people with IQs below 90 are 88 times more likely to drop out of high school, seven times more likely to be in jail, and five times more likely to live in poverty than their counterparts with higher IQs.

The network maintains that it will continue to offer high-quality shows with just enough cleavage, explosions, and general mayhem to keep even the least intelligent of our nation entertained, and it will continue to encourage its viewers to comment on shows in the CW Lounge because, according to Moonves, “It’s just funny to see them write.”Nearly News: Satire Stories Seeking Significance 2006-2014