Satan, Lucifer, the Devil. One being with many names and as many ways of claiming the souls of humans. However, the Father of all Lies has decided to destroy his contract for George W. Bush’s soul because of what the Evil One calls a breach of that contract.

 

Satan talked to Real Wisconsin News in a telephone interview amid screaming, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. His voice was smooth and almost hypnotic.

RWN: Why did you destroy the contract?

Satan: Is it not obvious? George W. Bush is a bumbling idiot. He has the lowest approval rating for any president since I invented approval ratings. He made the war that Dick Cheney and I devised look bad.

RWN: Uh, you and Dick Cheney?

Satan: Yes, I get a bit peeved when people say Dick Cheney is Satan. He’s just one of my minions, and he’s lost his favored status after the debacle of his presidency.

RWN: Don’t you mean vice-presidency?

Satan: No, I get the souls and they get one of my minions as the real leader. Kissinger is still one of my favorites. Sure, Bush got to go on television and talk to kids in schools, but every important decision has to go through my minion. Cheney has done some wonderful things to promote fear and greed, but he just couldn’t control Bush like he needed to.

RWN: What about Bush’s deregulation of federal agencies and abuse of executive power? Doesn’t that count for something?

Satan: Here’s the deal, I don’t have a four-year term down here. Those changes needed to be permanent in order to turn democracy upside down. Obama will have the support of the people to change everything back to the way it was. No, McCain wasn’t my choice, but Palin’s on my list, and if McCain would have won, then people would have felt my wrath once again when Palin would have won in 2012.

RWN: But you must love the financial turmoil that Bush helped to create.

Satan: You are testing my patience. Financial turmoil is fun, but the big picture here is that an era of less greed will emerge. People will help each other and attend church more often. No, we needed trickle-down economics to squash and oppress, and then hopelessness. Bush has left the window of hope open, and Obama has been allowed to step in as a redeemer.

RWN: Back to Bush’s soul, don’t you want every one?

Satan: Hey, I’ll get enough souls when they’re judged. It’s the ones that can help create pain and suffering I want now, and Bush was nothing more than a punch line and punching bag his last three years in office.

RWN: Why was this deal made public?

Satan: I figured, what the hell, I want quality souls, and if showing people how not to use the earthly power I can bestow, then I should have better business in the future.

RWN: When was the deal signed?

Satan: After a cocaine binge. George liked his coke, but he wanted more out of life.

RWN: What were the original terms of the deal?

Satan: In return for his eternal soul, I would allow Bush to become president with Dick Cheney. I agreed to provide an event that would give Bush unprecedented power. Then, he needed to use that power to pass legislation that would destroy God’s favorite little fervently-religious country.

RWN: Hasn’t he lived up to those terms?

Satan: I don’t see oil fields in Alaska. I don’t see the rich getting richer. I don’t see my promised Real ID in everyone’s wallet.

RWN: What happens to Bush’s soul now?

Satan: Well, this is sort of new to me. I generally keep even the losers. You know, Hitler, Napoleon, Stalin, whatever. They’re good for a few laughs, but Bush is more of a circus clown. God can have him, I suppose.

RWN: Has this ever happened before?

Satan: Sort of. Elvis sold me his soul for a bag of pork rinds outside of Reno. He had his lawyers on me because they said he was too doped up to know what he was doing and he never finished the bag. So what! He didn’t need me to make his career, so I didn’t really need him as he fizzled.

RWN: Who else has signed with you?

Satan: Generally, it’s between the two parties, but I try to be transparent, so you can file a request under the open records laws of your community. But I have all eternity to get back to you, so don’t hold your breath.

RWN: What now?

Satan: Same old, same old. I like to dabble over in France every so often, so I’m thinking I might go there, but I love the Holy Land irony. We’ve got wars and rumors of wars all lined up and ready to go.

RWN: One last question—what was the big problem between you and God, anyhow?

Satan: Hey, have you ever had to deal with someone who’s always right? Just a misunderstanding when He was creating the world. I wanted more land and less water. I thought all that salt water was kind of pointless, and I caught Him on a bad day because He was all weary and resting and all. So He banished me for all of eternity and I came here to screw with His little experiment. What were you expecting, spiritual warfare and eternal power struggles?

Nearly News: Satire Stories Seeking Significance 2006-2014

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