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Hillary Clinton Touched Me Inappropriately

While at a hotel in Philadelphia several weeks ago, I was surprised by Hillary Clinton. She was not the robot I’d come to expect.. As I rode the elevator next to her, I couldn’t help but glance her way. Though she seemed weak from her apparent pneumonia and her face was more weathered than I’d remembered, there was a twinkle in her eyes as she said hello to me. Floor after floor, her perfume wafting towards me, I felt as if she was trying to say something to me, a die-hard Republican. She coughed flirtatiously several times. Just as the elevator stopped on my floor, I thought I saw her checking me out as I held my Wall Street Journal near my loins. Something had caught her eye, and I figured it was my $4000 suit, tailored to fit me perfectly...everywhere. And then, just as we were about to part forever, she said it: “I wish I could convince people I really want to help them.” She didn’t tell me my suit would look good on the floor next to her bed or that I reminded her of a movie star like oh-so-many women do. Instead, she was responding to an op-ed in my newspaper. And her words touched me inappropriately. She is a Clinton who coined the failed vast right wing conspiracy; now part of the vast left wing conspiracy. Could she really care about people? Even if it was a ruse, could she really care about what I think in order to pretend just for me? I wanted her to stop. I could not bring myself to say no, but she could tell I was uncomfortable. “Make sure you vote,” she said, knowing full-well that she had grabbed me just a bit too roughly. Me, retracing each line on her face as I exited to the hallway, feeling dirty for hearing her and believing her. Could this woman who I have compared to the devil in multiple Tweets really care about me? Or was I just a prop, used to fulfill some kind of sick fantasy? I know she won’t return my calls, so I don’t bother, but I also will never be the same again. No amount of time will be able to heal my wounds. However, my new BMW Alpina B7 will help me to move on. Read More

Pussy Grabbing Sweeping Nation’s High Schools

After Bill Clinton did not have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky by getting blow jobs, male students across the country began using The Slick Willie argument with their female classmates, and fellatio became a part of the normal high school rite of passage in the late 90s (to the dismay of all males who graduated in the early 90s). A similar phenomenon is beginning to occur at schools, including those with conservative values: spying on naked girls, uncontrollable kissing, and pussy grabbing. It’s the result of Donald Trump’s revelation that doing this to women is one of his favorite activities. While male high school students have always wanted sex, they have generally asked for it or hoped that situations, such as prom, would naturally lead to it. Bill Clinton’s revolutionary take on sexual relations made oral sex more palatable for young women, leading to such possible events as rainbow parties. These impressionable girls saw a man they respected saying it was not sexual to perform oral sex, so they could feel confident that it was fine to do so. Similarly, young men who respect Donald Trump for his wealth, power, and honesty are now taking his advice about relationships. Guidance counselors all over the nation are reporting an uptick in boys calling girls names, such as fat pigs, dogs, slobs, and disgusting animals. Sometimes worse. However, bullying is nothing new. There is also a notable increase in peeping in locker rooms because of recent allegations that Donald Trump owned beauty pageants so he could look at naked women and girls, though there’s always been such shenanigans. Uncontrollable kissing and pussy grabbing are very new, however, and they are being treated as criminal, even if it’s something The Donald does at will. One high school girl claims she was assaulted by a boy she barely knew during physical education class. “He didn’t even say anything. He just started kissing my neck and cheek while I was waiting for class to start. And then he put his hand on my privates.Gross!” One element that has not been repeated at the nation’s schools is the act of “grabbing” the pussy. All reports have involved touching, rubbing, or attempted digital penetration. By definition, grabbing is “to grasp or seize suddenly and roughly.” While this did happen to the penis of one young man who touched a classmate’s pussy region, no reports of actual pussy grabbing have been reported. Dr. Pam Schmeer explains, “According to Yahoo Answers, the pussy and vagina are interchangeable terms, but the pussy often refers to both internal and external parts of female genitalia, meaning Donald Trump would have been referring to the vulva, or the external part, that includes the labia and clitorus.” The doctor went on to explain that grabbing the pussy lips, even for someone with extremely small hands, would be difficult given the fact that the external parts of the pussy do not protrude out very far. She suggested 2-5mm. She also suggested a grab would not be as much of a turn on as a foot massage, running hands gently through one's hair, or ear licking. That said, gym teachers all over the nation are using grab-puss instead of grab-ass to describe students not working on the task at hand, as in, “Hey, gentlemen, could you stop playing grab-puss long enough to finish your stretching?” Whereas men were allowed to “goose” women decades ago without so much as a lawsuit, the consensus is that if Trump becomes president, men can expect a handful of pussy whenever they see a pretty face. While Donald Trump asserts that all women whose pussies were grabbed were willing participants in his dalliances, some have called for an investigation. However, no woman has come forward to confirm her pussy was grabbed by Donald Trump against her will, suggesting that Trump was correct in his assertion that money and power leads to pussy being there for the grabbing. Unfortunately, most high school boys have neither money nor power, so these young men will be the ones to pay by being added to the sex offender registry for the next two decades.   Read More

Top Response to Corey Feldman's Song Performance: I Thought He Was Dead

Nearly defining irony, the top-rated response to Americans viewing the Corey Feldman song performance in September of 2016 was, "I thought he was dead." Obviously, the second response, and the one that has become the focus of social media, was, "That was weird." While it is possible Corey Feldman died of an overdose or gross neglect in the late 2000's or early 2010's, a quick search of the internet seems to have proven that Feldman did not die. It's also not likely that his death was covered up in order to make a posthumous release of his album, which was dedicated to two of his dead friends, Corey Haim and Michael Jackson. "I was not dead for the past ten years," says Feldman. "I was just dedicating my life to my music." Unfortunately for Feldman, critics and fans have unanimously declared the album to be horrible. Said one critic, "I thought he was dead before the songs were released, and now I kind of wish he had been. The album is kind of like Eddie Murphy's 80s attempt at music, just without the one hit to make it somewhat meaningful. But that makes it a perfect dedication to Corey Haim." Read More

Government Officials Across US to Follow Samsung Lead, Offer Pizza

National, state, and local governments are paying close attention to Samsung's handling of its Note 7 debacle, taking notes on how to handle dissatisfied customers and employees. The consumer electronics giant that developed exploding phones has sent pizza to all of the stores in South Korea that have to take returns of the faulty devices, and it seems to be working. Therefore, government agencies in America are planning on similar freebies in order to smooth over policies. Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin was the first national figure to use the pizza pill, sending out Little Caesar's pizzas to all teachers and university staff this week. The state educational system has had trouble hiring and keeping competent employees after the unprecedented budget cuts to both K12 and university public education in the state, but Walker hopes that extending the olive branch with one-topping pizzas will force the teachers to realize that the cuts were to their benefit. "How many times did unions provide a nutritious pizza lunch for those who paid dues?" Walker asked. Similarly, the Obama Administration will be providing pizza to employees of the insurance companies that administer Obamacare plans. "This pizza is a reminder that together we can become a healthier nation. Together we can ensure the human right of health insurance is administered to all. Together we can enjoy a meal in every slice." Obama has taken heat for the use of supreme and specialty pizzas from more expensive pizza chains instead of the $5 pizzas offered by Governor Walker. However, Obama stressed that nothing is too good for the people who help Americans fulfill their dreams of healthy living. Read More


I had a customer the other day say H-Vac instead of H-V-A-C. What a moron! Those of us in the industry know that it's right to say each individual letter in the word, and it makes a difference. If I was an H-Vac guy, I'd be selling vacuum cleaners, but I'm installing heating, ventilation, and air-conditioning, not hepa vacuums, so people just have to recognize what I am doing and why it makes sense to use my real title. It would be like if you called your doctor Doc. No doctor wants to be a doc, unless he's in a MASH unit or something. It makes him seem like he's a computer document rather than a fully-trained doctor. Or, maybe you want to call your president Pres or your mayor May. Pres Obama or May Barrett. That's dumb. Do you say you have an It department at work, or is it I-T? It's I-T, folks. Leave the acronym-as-words for Europeans and Socialists, like NATO or NAFTA or INFORSE. Read More

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